You want poker advice? Sure.
Advice on something else? No problem.
But ask at your own risk.

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Go Ahead- Ask

I've been quite negligent with this blog for awhile but I'm back and ready to help. Feel free to ask your question in this post's comment section.

~~Poker Abby~~

The Chicken Or The Egg?

Dear Poker Abby,

Which came first, the chicken or the egg?
The egg. Then it made up some lame excuse about having to get up early the next day and left.

~~Poker Abby~~

Why is it called a "pair" of pants?

Dear Poker Abby,

These deeply unsettling questions were asked on my blog. We call a unit of pants a pair of pants, so does that imply that each unit of pants is made of two individual sub-units simply called a pant? The same applies to a pair of shorts. Would we then be able to, with some creative tailoring, create a non-matching unit that is composed of one pant and one short? What would we call this garment? You are clearly an authority on this topic.
Often when phrases don't make sense, it's because they've changed from their origins. For instance, the rough winds of Southern California were originally referred to as "Santana" winds ("devil winds" in Spanish). But the term was so frequently butchered by the ├╝ber-white newscasters of the '70's that they're now called "Santa Ana" winds. While Santa Ana is probably very similar to hell, it has nothing to do with the winds.

A similar evolution took place with the phrase "pair of pants." See, back in the days when dudes wore togas, robes and the like without being referred to as "alternative lifestyle," a designer named Levinopolous created the first pants. People laughed at the idea- why should they give up their comfy sheets for something so constricting? But Levinopolous had the answer. He informed men that the new style would create a flattering pear shape in the crotch that would attract suitors. Naturally, our horny ancestors ditched the sheets immediately. People did take notice and a new phrase was coined: "Check out the pear of his pants."

The term held up for centuries until ladies adopted the apparel, which introduced the world to the concept of camel toe. It was in one of the first published Fashion Police columns that a jokester wrote about a starlet's tight trousers, "Check out the pair of her pants." The new term caught on and eventually became gender neutral with just "pair of pants."

As you correctly stated, the current use of of the term implies that a pair constitutes two units which are of equal proportions. The mismatched shorts/pants combination would no longer be a pair and would therefore be called a Kidman-Cruise.

(On a side note, the question, "Is that a banana in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?" originally asked if it was a pear. Then it was realized that, while the appearance of a pear shaped crotch was appealing to women, the thought of anything pear shaped up the old how ya doing was not).

~~Poker Abby~~

Beauty Mistakes

Dear Poker Abby,

I love your column. As a poker expert, you must have seen some pretty interesting Beauty Disasters. As a beauty editor, my two favorite Beauty Disaster locations are The Las Vegas Strip and Dollywood.

Tell me, what do you think is the biggest beauty mistake a woman can make? What do you think can instantly make a woman more beautiful?
The biggest beauty mistake a woman can make is to accessorize poorly. And not just on your body, it's everything you surround yourself with- particularly your man. Most beauty conscious women wouldn't dare to go out in public wearing a shirt that's old, pants that are too short or shoes that are ragged. But then they ignore those same qualities in a guy.

Think of a man as an accessory and choose one who who accents your positive features while camouflaging your negative ones. For example, if you have great hair, choose a sexy Vin Dieselesque bald man to call attention to your fab 'do. On the flip side, if you're carrying some extra weight, you should date an African American man since black is very slimming.

The same holds true for location. The reason you witnessed so many beauty disasters in Vegas and Dollywood is that the tackiness of those locales reflects poorly on its inhabitants. I used to live in Hawaii and I definitely got more action there than anywhere else. The vision of swaying palm trees in the corner of one's eye does wonders for a gal's figure.

You have to think of the whole picture when preparing yourself: a convertible Mercedes makes you look much hotter than an MTA bus, a wood bar makes you more attractive than a McDonald's counter and having George Clooney on your arm makes you look much more beautiful than having Carrot Top on your arm.

~~Poker Abby~~

Bad Poker Face

Dear Poker Abby,

If I, for some reason, don't have a poker face because of a freak accident involving a blowtorch filled with canned snow drippings, could I, in theory, still travel to the North Pole and play poker with Vlad?
With the success of the recent face transplant, you no longer have to worry about having a bad poker face. You can just buy a new one! Faces that will probably be available on the market soon include poker greats Doyle "Texas Dolly" Brunson, T.J. Cloutier and Thomas "Amarillo Slim" Preston. The only problem is that you'll be stuck with those faces even when you're not playing poker, so maybe a paper bag is your best bet.

~~Poker Abby~~