You want poker advice? Sure.
Advice on something else? No problem.
But ask at your own risk.

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Beauty Mistakes

Dear Poker Abby,

I love your column. As a poker expert, you must have seen some pretty interesting Beauty Disasters. As a beauty editor, my two favorite Beauty Disaster locations are The Las Vegas Strip and Dollywood.

Tell me, what do you think is the biggest beauty mistake a woman can make? What do you think can instantly make a woman more beautiful?
The biggest beauty mistake a woman can make is to accessorize poorly. And not just on your body, it's everything you surround yourself with- particularly your man. Most beauty conscious women wouldn't dare to go out in public wearing a shirt that's old, pants that are too short or shoes that are ragged. But then they ignore those same qualities in a guy.

Think of a man as an accessory and choose one who who accents your positive features while camouflaging your negative ones. For example, if you have great hair, choose a sexy Vin Dieselesque bald man to call attention to your fab 'do. On the flip side, if you're carrying some extra weight, you should date an African American man since black is very slimming.

The same holds true for location. The reason you witnessed so many beauty disasters in Vegas and Dollywood is that the tackiness of those locales reflects poorly on its inhabitants. I used to live in Hawaii and I definitely got more action there than anywhere else. The vision of swaying palm trees in the corner of one's eye does wonders for a gal's figure.

You have to think of the whole picture when preparing yourself: a convertible Mercedes makes you look much hotter than an MTA bus, a wood bar makes you more attractive than a McDonald's counter and having George Clooney on your arm makes you look much more beautiful than having Carrot Top on your arm.

~~Poker Abby~~

Bad Poker Face

Dear Poker Abby,

If I, for some reason, don't have a poker face because of a freak accident involving a blowtorch filled with canned snow drippings, could I, in theory, still travel to the North Pole and play poker with Vlad?
With the success of the recent face transplant, you no longer have to worry about having a bad poker face. You can just buy a new one! Faces that will probably be available on the market soon include poker greats Doyle "Texas Dolly" Brunson, T.J. Cloutier and Thomas "Amarillo Slim" Preston. The only problem is that you'll be stuck with those faces even when you're not playing poker, so maybe a paper bag is your best bet.

~~Poker Abby~~

Grammy Questions

Dear Poker Abby,

I was curious about a few things from last night's Grammy's and was hoping you could give me some answers.

1) Keith Urban: Sexy or scruffy?

2) Why did Kelly Clarkson bring her purse on stage when accepting her awards?

3) Was that American Idol judge Randy Jackson playing guitar during the Sly Stone tribute?

4) How did Green Day pull off that surprising win for Best Record?

1) Keith Urban in a bar: Scruffy. Keith Urban with a guitar and microphone: Sexy as hell.

2) The reason Clarkson brought her glittery purse on stage with her is because of all the rappers in the audience. Not that the rappers would steal her purse, just that if she'd let go of it for a second it would have exploded from the magnetic force of all the rappers' bling.

3) I believe it was. Although, it could have just as easily been Ruben Studdard who was apparently the only former American Idol not asked to sing at the Grammy's.

4) They are the Masters of the Universe.

~~Poker Abby~~

Not Playing With A Full Set

Dear Poker Abby:

What are the odds of getting a royal flush three games in a row if the deck of cards is missing one Jack?
I could tell you but the number is so mind boggling, it would make your head explode. I just can't have another blogicide on my conscious. All I'll say is this: it's A LOT, more than 2 to 1! If a queen were missing, it would be more than 4 to 1!

~~Poker Abby~~

Favorite Poker Games

Dear Poker Abby,

Obviously no-limit Hold 'Em is the cadillac of poker and all the rage now, but what other games are your favorites??

Personally I like to mix in a little 7-card stud hi/lo...although Omaha is a good change of pace too.
My favorite game is no-limit, hi/lo Omaha, partly because it's so much fun but mostly because the majority of players have no idea what they're doing. People play it like it's Hold 'Em, which is a huge mistake for them and quite profitable for me. Then again, it's players like that who have me screaming when their stupid plays work out for them. I always have to remind myself that bad players are good for business in the long run.

Pot-limit Omaha is the most popular game in Europe right now and it's catching on in the US. I predict it will be huge over here in a few years when more people realize how exciting it is. No-limit hi/lo Omaha is pretty hard to find online, though I'm not sure why. Fixed and pot-limit games bore the hell out of me. Hopefully more Internet poker sites will realize the potential of the game and switch over some of their empty tables.

~~Poker Abby~~

Superbowl Snacks

Dear Poker Abby,

My buddies and I are going to watch the Superbowl at a friend's place. We'll be ordering pizza for half time but we each agreed to bring some other snack to eat during the game. What is the essential Superbowl munchie?
That would be Doritos. And I mean REAL Doritos. Not the cardboard flavored baked variety and definitely not the anal leakage producing one with Olestra. Good old fashioned Doritos are not only tasty, they're versatile:

  • When your team makes a touchdown, you can snap a couple in your hands like fireworks crackling in celebration.

  • If Mick Jagger suffers a half time wardrobe malfunction, you can immediately tape the arrow-shaped chips to the tv, creating a diagram of the organ's debut. You'll get a head start on the other theorists and have the sort of "stiff" documentation that could very well land you an appearance on "Larry King Live."

  • If one of your buddies cheers when the enemy scores, you can use the sharp corner to stab him in the eye. You just can't get the same results with popcorn.

  • For taste, I recommend the guacamole flavor but if you think the offensive eye maneuver might be necessary, definitely get picante.

    ~~Poker Abby~~

    Online Poker: Where And How Much?

    Dear Poker Abby,

    I'm a recreational player that would like to actually start learning to play the game better. If I can learn to play well enough to pick up extra cash in a ring game or in Vegas, that would be ideal. Unfortunately, I make very little at my day job, and don't want to risk it on the "learning" curve of online poker. What's a good amount to buy in for online, and of all the sites, which would you play on the most?
    If you're not smart enough to figure out how to siphon some extra bucks from your day job, poker might not be right for you. Seriously, don't risk ANY money while you're still learning. Hone your chops at a free site and once you feel like a contender, invest real cash. How much to buy in with depends on whether your Bill Gates or the guy on Sunset who sings into a paper cup. Pick an amount you don't mind losing. Most poker sites will match, double or sometimes triple that buy-in amount, but be sure to read the fine print as far as withdrawing those bonuses.

    Every online poker site is a little different but I really like Their customer service is tops, they have a good variety of tournament and ring games with fixed, pot and no limit betting, they have a decent player cash back program and they process cashins within a few hours. Be sure to tell them "Alooo" sent you. I'm gonna make money off this blog one way or another.

    ~~Poker Abby~~