Dear Poker Abby

Go Ahead- Ask

2006-10-15T11:11:00.000-07:00

I've been quite negligent with this blog for awhile but I'm back and ready to help. Feel free to ask your question in this post's comment section.

The Chicken Or The Egg?

2006-10-14T11:55:00.000-07:00

Dear Poker Abby,

Which came first, the chicken or the egg?

The egg. Then it made up some lame excuse about having to get up early the next day and left.

Why is it called a "pair" of pants?

2006-03-02T02:18:00.000-08:00

Dear Poker Abby,

These deeply unsettling questions were asked on my blog. We call a unit of pants a pair of pants, so does that imply that each unit of pants is made of two individual sub-units simply called a pant? The same applies to a pair of shorts. Would we then be able to, with some creative tailoring, create a non-matching unit that is composed of one pant and one short? What would we call this garment? You are clearly an authority on this topic.

Often when phrases don't make sense, it's because they've changed from their origins. For instance, the rough winds of Southern California were originally referred to as "Santana" winds ("devil winds" in Spanish). But the term was so frequently butchered by the über-white newscasters of the '70's that they're now called "Santa Ana" winds. While Santa Ana is probably very similar to hell, it has nothing to do with the winds.

A similar evolution took place with the phrase "pair of pants." See, back in the days when dudes wore togas, robes and the like without being referred to as "alternative lifestyle," a designer named Levinopolous created the first pants. People laughed at the idea- why should they give up their comfy sheets for something so constricting? But Levinopolous had the answer. He informed men that the new style would create a flattering pear shape in the crotch that would attract suitors. Naturally, our horny ancestors ditched the sheets immediately. People did take notice and a new phrase was coined: "Check out the pear of his pants."

The term held up for centuries until ladies adopted the apparel, which introduced the world to the concept of camel toe. It was in one of the first published Fashion Police columns that a jokester wrote about a starlet's tight trousers, "Check out the pair of her pants." The new term caught on and eventually became gender neutral with just "pair of pants."

As you correctly stated, the current use of of the term implies that a pair constitutes two units which are of equal proportions. The mismatched shorts/pants combination would no longer be a pair and would therefore be called a Kidman-Cruise.

(On a side note, the question, "Is that a banana in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?" originally asked if it was a pear. Then it was realized that, while the appearance of a pear shaped crotch was appealing to women, the thought of anything pear shaped up the old how ya doing was not).

Beauty Mistakes

2006-02-28T13:14:00.000-08:00

Dear Poker Abby,

I love your column. As a poker expert, you must have seen some pretty interesting Beauty Disasters. As a beauty editor, my two favorite Beauty Disaster locations are The Las Vegas Strip and Dollywood.

Tell me, what do you think is the biggest beauty mistake a woman can make? What do you think can instantly make a woman more beautiful?

The biggest beauty mistake a woman can make is to accessorize poorly. And not just on your body, it's everything you surround yourself with- particularly your man. Most beauty conscious women wouldn't dare to go out in public wearing a shirt that's old, pants that are too short or shoes that are ragged. But then they ignore those same qualities in a guy.

Think of a man as an accessory and choose one who who accents your positive features while camouflaging your negative ones. For example, if you have great hair, choose a sexy Vin Dieselesque bald man to call attention to your fab 'do. On the flip side, if you're carrying some extra weight, you should date an African American man since black is very slimming.

The same holds true for location. The reason you witnessed so many beauty disasters in Vegas and Dollywood is that the tackiness of those locales reflects poorly on its inhabitants. I used to live in Hawaii and I definitely got more action there than anywhere else. The vision of swaying palm trees in the corner of one's eye does wonders for a gal's figure.

You have to think of the whole picture when preparing yourself: a convertible Mercedes makes you look much hotter than an MTA bus, a wood bar makes you more attractive than a McDonald's counter and having George Clooney on your arm makes you look much more beautiful than having Carrot Top on your arm.

Bad Poker Face

2006-02-11T19:28:00.000-08:00

Dear Poker Abby,

If I, for some reason, don't have a poker face because of a freak accident involving a blowtorch filled with canned snow drippings, could I, in theory, still travel to the North Pole and play poker with Vlad?

With the success of the recent face transplant, you no longer have to worry about having a bad poker face. You can just buy a new one! Faces that will probably be available on the market soon include poker greats Doyle "Texas Dolly" Brunson, T.J. Cloutier and Thomas "Amarillo Slim" Preston. The only problem is that you'll be stuck with those faces even when you're not playing poker, so maybe a paper bag is your best bet.

Grammy Questions

2006-02-09T23:12:00.000-08:00

Dear Poker Abby,

I was curious about a few things from last night's Grammy's and was hoping you could give me some answers.

1) Keith Urban: Sexy or scruffy?

2) Why did Kelly Clarkson bring her purse on stage when accepting her awards?

3) Was that American Idol judge Randy Jackson playing guitar during the Sly Stone tribute?

4) How did Green Day pull off that surprising win for Best Record?

1) Keith Urban in a bar: Scruffy. Keith Urban with a guitar and microphone: Sexy as hell.

2) The reason Clarkson brought her glittery purse on stage with her is because of all the rappers in the audience. Not that the rappers would steal her purse, just that if she'd let go of it for a second it would have exploded from the magnetic force of all the rappers' bling.

3) I believe it was. Although, it could have just as easily been Ruben Studdard who was apparently the only former American Idol not asked to sing at the Grammy's.

4) They are the Masters of the Universe.

Not Playing With A Full Set

2006-02-08T15:08:00.000-08:00

Dear Poker Abby:

What are the odds of getting a royal flush three games in a row if the deck of cards is missing one Jack?

I could tell you but the number is so mind boggling, it would make your head explode. I just can't have another blogicide on my conscious. All I'll say is this: it's A LOT, more than 2 to 1! If a queen were missing, it would be more than 4 to 1!

Favorite Poker Games

2006-02-07T22:54:00.000-08:00

Dear Poker Abby,

Obviously no-limit Hold 'Em is the cadillac of poker and all the rage now, but what other games are your favorites??

Personally I like to mix in a little 7-card stud hi/lo...although Omaha is a good change of pace too.

My favorite game is no-limit, hi/lo Omaha, partly because it's so much fun but mostly because the majority of players have no idea what they're doing. People play it like it's Hold 'Em, which is a huge mistake for them and quite profitable for me. Then again, it's players like that who have me screaming when their stupid plays work out for them. I always have to remind myself that bad players are good for business in the long run.

Pot-limit Omaha is the most popular game in Europe right now and it's catching on in the US. I predict it will be huge over here in a few years when more people realize how exciting it is. No-limit hi/lo Omaha is pretty hard to find online, though I'm not sure why. Fixed and pot-limit games bore the hell out of me. Hopefully more Internet poker sites will realize the potential of the game and switch over some of their empty tables.

Superbowl Snacks

2006-02-05T04:56:00.000-08:00

Dear Poker Abby,

My buddies and I are going to watch the Superbowl at a friend's place. We'll be ordering pizza for half time but we each agreed to bring some other snack to eat during the game. What is the essential Superbowl munchie?

That would be Doritos. And I mean REAL Doritos. Not the cardboard flavored baked variety and definitely not the anal leakage producing one with Olestra. Good old fashioned Doritos are not only tasty, they're versatile:

When your team makes a touchdown, you can snap a couple in your hands like fireworks crackling in celebration.

If Mick Jagger suffers a half time wardrobe malfunction, you can immediately tape the arrow-shaped chips to the tv, creating a diagram of the organ's debut. You'll get a head start on the other theorists and have the sort of "stiff" documentation that could very well land you an appearance on "Larry King Live."

If one of your buddies cheers when the enemy scores, you can use the sharp corner to stab him in the eye. You just can't get the same results with popcorn.

For taste, I recommend the guacamole flavor but if you think the offensive eye maneuver might be necessary, definitely get picante.

Online Poker: Where And How Much?

2006-02-02T16:33:00.000-08:00

Dear Poker Abby,

I'm a recreational player that would like to actually start learning to play the game better. If I can learn to play well enough to pick up extra cash in a ring game or in Vegas, that would be ideal. Unfortunately, I make very little at my day job, and don't want to risk it on the "learning" curve of online poker. What's a good amount to buy in for online, and of all the sites, which would you play on the most?

If you're not smart enough to figure out how to siphon some extra bucks from your day job, poker might not be right for you. Seriously, don't risk ANY money while you're still learning. Hone your chops at a free site and once you feel like a contender, invest real cash. How much to buy in with depends on whether your Bill Gates or the guy on Sunset who sings into a paper cup. Pick an amount you don't mind losing. Most poker sites will match, double or sometimes triple that buy-in amount, but be sure to read the fine print as far as withdrawing those bonuses.

Every online poker site is a little different but I really like 32redpoker.com. Their customer service is tops, they have a good variety of tournament and ring games with fixed, pot and no limit betting, they have a decent player cash back program and they process cashins within a few hours. Be sure to tell them "Alooo" sent you. I'm gonna make money off this blog one way or another.

Poker Bores

2006-01-29T11:11:00.000-08:00

Dear Poker Abby,

When I was in college, we had a regular ring game, $40 buy-ins nothing fancy. It was my frat's poker game, but we tried to keep an open atmosphere that allowed outsiders to join. Our philosophy was the more the merrier, especially if it brought many rich fish. Unfortunately there was one guy who kept showing up who made horrific puns and tasteless jokes while playing. He was a nice guy, you know the type that tries too hard. We didn't want to tell him not to come, because he brought action and really was a sweet guy, just kind of a loser. Thus, what do you with a guy who is using your poker game as a social outlet but is annoying you throughout? By the by, I think your blog is hysterical.

The important factor is whether the offender wins or loses money. If he's a consistent loser, you certainly don't want him to leave! Find a way to drown out his bad jokes. One tactic is to serve up blended margaritas right from the poker table and every time he starts in, crank up the blender. Just tell him you're listening and that he should keep talking. At least if the blender doesn't block out the irritant, hopefully the tequila will.

If he wins a decent share of the time, there's no reason to tolerate his boorish personality. There are plenty of ways to oust a nice guy who happens to be annoying. One is the passive approach to get him to leave the game on his own. You can try the technique I use when a guy hits on me in a bar and doesn't get the hint that I don't want to talk to him: I stare at him. After giving 10 clipped answers, I follow the next one by simply looking at him with a puzzled expression as if to say, "Are you really that clueless???" With most guys, it only takes another five or six such silent stare downs before they finally walk away thinking there's something wrong with ME. If that doesn't work, you can always get word to him that you all died in a fiery car crash.

Hey, wait a minute. I just realized that my home game has a $40 buy in, I tell a lot of tasteless jokes and I'm somewhat of a loser. This isn't somebody from my game is it? If it is, ignore all the advice above and get the lady a chair.

Increasing Your (Common)Sense

2006-01-27T05:37:00.000-08:00

Dearest PA,

How did you get your (*common*)sense all down the right side and on the bottom?

Thanks for your time!

I had to replace part of a word in your question since there are strict guidelines surrounding the whole, er, (*common*)sense thing and I have to be careful not to share too much. But it's a good thing you came to me with your inadequacies with(*common*)sense. Most people live day in and day out surrounded by (*common*)sense yet never take the time to embrace it.

As for bringing as much (*common*)sense to your site as I have to mine, it's very simple: just insert one after the other. You can't do this in the Dashboard, which is probably why you don't find a lot of (*common*)sense in most blogs. But with the slightest bit of website design knowledge, you can change your template and share more (*common*)sense with the world.

Now then, if this advice or any of my advice has clicked with you, I hope you will click with me.

Dear Poker Abby

2006-01-25T17:48:00.000-08:00

The Poker Abby site has a whole new look with a slightly different format. Advice is not limited to poker since I have an opinion and (self-professed) expertise on everything. You want the truth? Oh, I'll give it to you. That is, until "the man" shuts me down.

Send your questions to poker abby or publish them in this post's comments section.

Poker is so Cruel

2006-01-25T04:15:00.000-08:00

Dear Poker Abby

Why does my AQ never pick up at least a pair when I'm all in against 66 or 33 or some other small pair whilst everytime I have the the small pair the other guys A Q turns into a full house A's & Q's. Or even worse, why does my AA get beat by someone else holding 22 and seeing a flush arrive?

My first thought when I read this was that I suffer from multiple personality disorder and sent this to myself in one of my episodes. I know your pain well. However, I don't recommend going all in pre-flop with A/Q very often. If it was such a great Hold 'Em starter, someone would have given it a cool nickname like her man Big Slick.

There's not much you can do at the poker table about those lucky freaks who go all in with a gutshot straight draw only to catch the miracle card on the river. But there's a lot you can do to them later in a dark parking lot.

Down Traffic

2006-01-23T22:31:00.000-08:00

Dear Poker Abby,

I have this great blog where I discuss down comforters, such as which fill weight I like in the summer, which fill weight I like in the winter, etc. I call it "Can't Weight To Get My Fill." (Get it)? Since there are so many people who use down comforters, I think my blog could appeal to a large audience if only they could find it. I even have one of those blog chatboards for other down comforter lovers to interact and possibly meet. Do you have any suggestions on how to get more visitors to my site?

I have to say, I LOVE my down comforter. I've often thought about wearing it around town but I don't because it would be too cumbersome and people would look at me the same way they look at Courtney Love or a lion: curious yet frightened. The only thing that would be weirder than wearing a down comforter would be spending more than 1o minutes in a given year reading about or discussing down comforters (that leaves me seven minutes to wrap this up).

I really can't offer you any advice on how to draw more traffic to your site as I'm the LAST person who knows anything about that. But I can tell you that you can increase your readership with a more interesting topic, like say, mustard seeds. At the very least, I recommend you remove the chatboard. Given your subject matter and title, you're likely to attract unstable linen fetishists ready to attack the second they realize they're wrapped in a comforter with polyester filling. We've all heard the phrase "Going postal on someone," I'd hate for some psycho to bring a bad connotation to the phrase "Going down on someone."

Dear Poker Abby

Go Ahead- Ask

The Chicken Or The Egg?

Why is it called a "pair" of pants?

Beauty Mistakes

Bad Poker Face

Grammy Questions

Not Playing With A Full Set

Favorite Poker Games

Superbowl Snacks

Online Poker: Where And How Much?

Poker Bores

Increasing Your (*Common*)Sense

Dear Poker Abby

Poker is so Cruel

Down Traffic

Increasing Your (Common)Sense